Sunday, December 4, 2011

My Scarlet Letter ~ Imperfection is OK?

Well, the reindeer games can get pretty intense - dancing, figuring out the parameters of relationships. 
So often, I feel like I don't belong here; that I really don't fit anywhere.  The feeling is always present.  I don't think I'm enough for anyone to want to be with.  How is that possible?  We all belong.  Yet, some days I miss the mark. The pursuit of perfection is infuriating and paralyzing.  Every fiber of my being physically shakes from the intensity in  situations that I cannot prepare for.  The upset is so extreme that I'm unable to calm myself for a few seconds.  Calm down. Nothing is worth this anguish.
Organized on the outside, frazzled within.  The fierce pursuit of exactness in word choice and foot placement is exhausting.  Every mistake is exaggerated to the extreme making perfection that less achievable.  
I concede.  Where is my strength now?  I tried to stand my ground to no avail.  Damn it.  Why is the cost of freedom, no matter what the level, so high.  I choose to step up and be counted to be thrust back once again. 

I will not give up.  

I'm headed back to the mountain again, seeking the summit. As I top the last rise and absorb the breathtaking valleys below, I envision serene peace.  I have to do more.  Trying before, wasn't enough and I know that now.  I may not be able to execute with perfect, definitive steps, but I'm certain to reach my destination.  The only thing to matter at this point is 'get it done'.