Friday, October 31, 2014

What It Took ~ Disabilities Acknowledged

Facing the fact that my sanity depends on pharmaceutical adjustment is on-going for me. I succumb and accept, responding with positive results most days when I remember to take them.  Other days I think I just overlook the need and ignore what I know to be what is best for me, today..
I learned how to accept my disability which grates each grain of my body because I was born strong, I have persevered inhumane treatment.  Accepting what was direct opposition to the behavior that kept me alive felt wrong.  I argued with my vocational rehabilitation counselor, Karen, when she repeated 'you are disabled' to me four times to which I responded, 'No, I am not'.  Dependence on anything or anyone, trusting someone other than myself is something I fought because of my disbelief that anyone was looking out for me.  No one had ever looked out for me before. Why should they now?  
I finally relented and agreed with Karen. Add another hero.
Sitting with Bill, late last year, I approached the topic of coming off some of my medications.  I casually mentioned my thought to lower my intake. 
Shocked to hear he did not object took me quite by surprise.  I stopped briefly to absorb the possibility.  Could it be that I was healing to the point of not needing mental assistance to stay focused and desire to get up each day to work and take care of myself? Hardly.  Less medication maybe, but be realistic, the brain develops differently due to repeated on-going trauma.  Left with the blahs seems unfair.  Being a lazy slug all day is the outcome.  My mind no longer automatically turns to the reason why I feel down on rainy days. But if I think of it or not, the outcome is the same. I feel exhausted.  
The thing about meds, it's cyclical.  I'll be going along taking them every day for weeks and then, bam, I skip a day.  Really? Still? Yes.  And I think I've figured out why.  I forget and hope for this illness to go away some day.