Friday, March 17, 2017

My Scarlet Letter ~ Lost Hope

Some time has passed since I last blogged, and I apologize.  Life has been the best for me recently and I've been riding the ride until now. The wheels fell off and the cart skidded on the rocky pavement to a screeching halt. The ride has stopped and as history has taught, time for repairs and maintenance. FINE. Let's face this and finish this.

When it is time to let go, the heart screams NO. The mind plays tricks and life's parody is robotic at best. She's my mother.  I'll never forget. I never forgave because she didn't do anything that needed to be forgiven. Or didn't she?

She asked her questions of me about how things went down. She had asked point blank if he was abusing me. He said, 'it will kill Granny' if she ever finds out and 'it will split up our family and I'll end up with you and things will be worse'.  What 13 year old is going to stand up to the fear instilled by her primary authority figure... her Dad?  He subtly reminded me over many years in different ways of these possibilities if the secret got out. I hated every letter he sent while he was away at war.  Every letter included a Snoopy comic. This was enough to keep my mother from reading anything he sent. He sent a floral arrangement as a reminder while I was fighting for life in psych ward.
She blames me now. We've already retraced these issues and I thought we had overcome. I'm shocked to read what has truly been wondered all along. I finally realized the message she has been sending
was intentional. What follows no hope? Redefined truths.

Now I must...

can't find words...

don't want to face it.

What's standing in the way of letting go? Honor thy father and mother - the bible doesn't include exception examples, so I'm going to improvise.  Honor thy father and mother, unless they treat you like shit. I'm really typing this. I know what has to be done and I'm heading straight in.
FINALLY!