Thursday, August 25, 2011

Opening The Box ~ Sorting Rquired

Back to the box for more sorting I go. I’m determined to surface scan the letters and quickly place it the appropriate stack by case to avoid tangential thoughts pulling me away from my task. I’m counting five so far but scanning tells me there is more here than even I imagine. Some letters contain only court filed case documents that update this case or that. Filtering quickly to words referring to plaintiff and defendant and appeal becomes rote. 
Damn, hidden in amongst the letters were medical records. ‘Don’t open it’ is my first thought. I’ve looked at it before. I would not see anything that I had not read before.  I sit quietly for some time just holding the envelope. 
Dr. Curtis, I remember the name now that I scanned the first page. 
Stop… put it down… choose not to go there today. 
I visualize Bill’s handwritten note ”Stop doing what you are doing; by definition you will be doing something different.” 
Focus on sorting. It's all I can do to put it down on the thinnest stack. I feel a pull toward the mystery, do I remember everything that happened to me? NO. Is it important now? NO. Putting it down. 
What is important is confirmation of my truth. Yes, I was battered and bruised and scarred for life. I am sad that this burden must always be carried by me.  You made me think I was the one at fault - guess that is the most difficult part - it was NEVER my fault!
There will be a time when I will be able to share the details, but not now. It's too personal, still.
Sifting becomes easier once I start recognizing names: Jim - criminal, Duncan - civil, Rob - estate, Wanda - civil, Joe - Senator, whoa, wait, he's not an attorney. There are more letters like these... hmmmmm... separate category all together... legislative effort. 6 stacks so far. Geeeeez. Overwhelming.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Perspective ~ Summer 78

Life to Death

Time is wasted,
things are abused,
lives are destroyed;

Time doesn't matter,
things are unimportant,
life is meaningless;

Time does matter,
people hold importance,
life has meaning;

No matter ~
all ends in death.

Looking at this scribbing astonishes me. If anyone had seen the way I described life, bells would have gone off. Surely there would have been recognition that something was terribly wrong here. But no one saw it. It went unshared until now. Looks pretty morbid to me.
I admit now, how unaware I was myself until that first meeting with Jim during my hospital stay. Jim visited to make sure I followed certain guidelines, but my past dictated something altogether different. And that's what Jim was told.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

What It Took ~ I am amazed

I am amazed each day that is mine now, to live!
If you have been reading posts over the past month and wondering where all this leads, now seems to be the time to share where I am now. I AM AMAZED by all the support and assistance I was given to be where I am today. The biggest piece of advice I can give back is to ask someone for help, just ask for help. AND, be willing to do everything (interpreted, work very, very, very hard) to turn life in another direction. Give up anything that gets in the way of getting it right. And be ready to LISTEN and learn new ways to deal with what you encounter on recovery road.
I sit quietly sometimes to soak in the peace and serenity of the day. Long ago are the memories of hyper-alert jerking and hearing the ticktock of the clocks. I try to be receptive to the road presented me. Accept my greater good. I believe one person can make a DIFFERENCE. The hope is that I help ONE who has suffered, or may be suffering now.
Yeah, sounds a bit cheesy, but I'm driven to try to make a difference. The untenable circumstances and overpowering evidence that has been collected over a lifetime pushes me. I have proof of the traumas I survived ~ rare and damning proof of betrayal that spun my life out of control. Getting the lid OFF of the box is a regular event now. Transcripts and medical records collected over a decade ago, now making sense of those words reread. Some things remembered, some things not. That's to be expected.
My biggest news for the week is the offer of support I found in my e-mail. Out of the blue, an individual with similarities of life to mine, stepping up to help if she can. This time, I didn't even ask. I'm not the only one, there are others like me. And others that want to stand together for a chance to make a difference too. The empowerment is mind blowing.
I thank GOD every day!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

What It Took ~ Bad Things Happen

No, he didn't handcuff me when he told me to sit in the back seat of the cruiser with the passenger door left ajar. There was no reading me my rights until well after arrival at the station. I was allowed to sit hands free in the bull pin where the officer took my statement. 'Walking in the street' was the only thing I clearly needed to relay. But the cop wouldn't hear me... he kept talking on his radio and to other cops in the room and then on the phone. What is happening here... the room seems hazy with cloudy air? I catch only one sided conversations that seem distant from all the thoughts swirling in my mind. It was an accident.
Yes, the strobe flash from the mug shot camera appeared like lightening bolts to my retinas. Geez, how many did they need, three, four... I lost count. The incarceration attendant commented about the smell perforating the tiny photo room. Next stop, holding cell. It was just me, at first, but the night was still young. The accident had occurred around 5:45 and daylight still shown when we arrived at the police station. I was certain by now it was dark outside, but that didn't matter right now because it was darker inside. I wanted to die. I wasn't a bad person. Bad things had happened to me, but I had always chosen to turn the other cheek instead of retaliation even though rage penetrated my every cell. Tears fell. I don't know for how long. Seemed endless.
How had I gotten here?
In jail, or to this point in my life, you ask?

This blog is about both!

Friday, August 5, 2011

What It Took ~ Two Weeks Earlier II

I'm trying to ignore this particular post because of the difficulty I'm having putting my words down. These words have been written before. Do I go look for the handwritten sheets that carry with them a plunge to the past, a black day, the bottom of a spiral started the day before? Well, I'm off to look for some history to bring clarity to this picture. I was considered your classic 'GOOD GIRL': good grades and lots of extra activities including gymnastics, cheer-leading, track, newspaper staff, math club, choir and various plays and other athletics. You know, top 10% of my class kind of good. Type A++ personality (big pluses) to keep everyone from knowing I had a secret. My masquerade presented not a care in the world attitude with over-achiever energy and aggressiveness. There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with this picture. Right?
OK, I'm gone to look for it. Really.
The Pivotal Moment:
Pause... Yes, it took me over 24 hours to dig through the box to find DRAFT1 (Ch 1).
I had disabled system security for the departed coworkers the night before. The list of names weighed heavily on my mind. Long faces and depressed attitudes greeted me as I arrived at work the following day. Everyone was whispering about the previous days events. No one dared speak it out loud for fear that more layoffs may ensue. "We are the survivors!" These words echoed in my mind. As the day progressed, I grew more and more depressed. As the hours drug on, some broached the subject with caution, then later, outright discussion. As I reflect on that day, I realize the impact of management's word choice. Human resources put a positive spin on the event by implying being a survivor was positive. But my experience reveal something completely different.
I was almost home... the end of a long hard week... to my apartment up around the next curve. The maroon vehicle in front of me swerved abruptly into the left lane and then back. I topped the hill and as the hood of my blue Skylark leveled out, I saw a white utility van in the oncoming traffic headed my way. And then, on the shoulder of road in the lane I'm driving in, I glimpse a person. An instant was all there was to brake with no place to go.