FOUND: Exhibit 1 ~ A Collection of Letters. A couple of days ago I opened the box and I spent about an hour sifting, wondering which direction the next blog entry would take. You know, I have to make myself sit in the floor, very close to the work, breathe, and then, take the lid off. Each pass seems to be more than I want to bear.
I began to leaf through the letters... there were so many... 32 pounds of mail according to Judge ML ~ of which she was responsible for reading every word. Tears started down both cheeks. I auto-shifted into full scan mode. My eyes filled. The pages blurred beneath trickling tear drops. I didn't get up for a tissue because I knew I wouldn't sit back down. My t-shirt sleeve would do for now.
The page turns to Bill's letter to the court. I discover he's a fellow alumni, as well as one of the university's campus psychiatrists in the early 80's when he was getting started with his now prominent career.
Bill explains to Judge ML that during the time in the months following the accident, he prescribed antabuse, a drug that has been used by alcoholics to help stop drinking since the early 1950's. He also reveals that antabuse shouldn't be continued indefinitely due to it's toxic nature - ahem, what?
Toxic? I never knew. Trigger...
I am reminded of Jim asking me "what would I do, what could I do" as we sat there the first day we met. To be honest, I don't recall an answer. Seems like "I'll never drink again" entered my mind, but I don't remember saying the same out loud. I do, however, remember Jim's suggestion. He recommended to my doctor that I take antabuse.
Another drug to fix me. Surrounded by drugs to alter this and cease that behavior runs a mind bender on someone if they have never taken drugs. I didn't like being given these things and much less being expected to take them without question.
The generic name of antabuse is disulfiram. If you drink while taking antabuse, you get sick to your stomach, not just nauseated, vomiting sick. All I knew is I'd do anything to stay sober. And so, I took it.
I also prayed that night for God to take the urge to drink from me. AND HE DID!
I have not touched a drop of alcohol from the day after the accident to this one. There have been moments, sure, when stinkin' thinkin' pops into my brain, and I'd be lying if I said there weren't. But, the physical addiction that I've heard some speak of was not an obstacle for me. The urges were gone.
I knew that I must follow Jim's directives. Ingesting drugs to prevent me from drinking seemed just the thing to prove I would do anything to get better.