Saturday, July 20, 2013

What It Took ~ Never Stop Trying

I wanted to stop trying so many times.  From the appearance of one coping mechanism after another, a person would have to be blind not to see there was some underlying issue that I was trying to cover up.  I understand addictions are translated to 'coping mechanisms' for me.  I understand from travelling down the addict's path that self-destruction is an attempt to stop everything, not just trying.  What I acknowledge now is that I survived.  The addictions only part of my story.  Nobody asked the real question 'what is going on?'  I was so used to things being the way they were. I didn't know I was being self-destructive.  I just thought, this is how life was for me.
Today, my mind recalls these thoughts.  I have to work, to eat.  There's no way around that. I am not independently wealthy.  Anything extra takes tremendous effort and energy, only because 40 hours a week takes a lot of wind out of my sails.  If I am depressed or anxious, focusing becomes a great hardship.  Occasionally, I ask myself if this is all worth doing. I am fearless in pushing a tiny step forward when I can.  The thing is, I keep moving toward the goal.
I wrote to the Health and Education committee for some assistance with my goal.  Much to my surprise, what followed is a conference call with a member on staff.  He requested some information and I have submitted documents in part.  I talked to Bill this week and shared that I felt if I completed the task, somehow I would be disappointed in the outcome. First thing he said, 'wow, what you wrote must have been suitably articulated and resonated with the audience.'  I blinked, astonished at his response.  He continued to insight where the reader recognized that my goal is not shallow, but rather a heart-felt issue.  Unbelievable and so far from my expectations, I find impossibility in the thought this it truly happening.  My skepticism is okay, he added.  It's not about failing.  It's about that I tried. I didn't let the possibility of failing crush me as I realized, even if I don't hear from the Senate HELP committee again, getting the information together for anytime is what I need to do.  
Onward and upward! 
Synchronously, this popped from my timeline via twitter today ~ I don't want words, I want actions! I shall lend you my pen... Go on, I know you are brave enough to change things!  #AForceToBeReckonedWith  
An inkling to lower my aspirations is aborted and fierce determination overcomes.  The take away will be different.  Not trying is the losing move.

Please sign my petition and help me change things
Take a tiny step with me on my path!