Saturday, October 26, 2013

My Scarlet Letter ~ Moment of Freedom

Oddly, someone asked me about the first moment I felt free of my horrendous childhood a few days ago. I recall like yesterday, turning my head toward the sun as its warmth embraced my porcelain face, my only thought was 'the air smells different!'

Not like all the moments in my young life when what I wanted for was ignored. More than anything in the world my need was to be a normal teenager.  My hopes were destroyed by every assault, every sexual battery and every rape.  After, I would dream of the possibilities. Maybe that was a champion gymnast, maybe a college cheerleader, maybe a beauty contest winner.  I had the strength of mind and body to look beyond the tragedy of my reality and regain hope for a better tomorrow.  

That first instant in time that I felt free and things would be different than all I'd ever known: walking on the sidewalks of the University campus in the fall wind I smelled a freshness, a freedom, a lightness in the air around me.  I closed my eyes, soaked up the rays and inhaled the crisp air.  I can feel this moment any time I want to. That moment is so embedded in my memory I am able to recreate the serenity by recollection.  I breathe and feel peace.  My moment of freedom.  

And, I am one of the few.  5% actually, based on facts presented to me at a self defense introduction.   I know I am one of the fortunate ones who have gotten away, but not only that, pressed on to a healthy way of living.  Past active alcoholism and many other dangerous and deadly situations to become a productive citizen taking care of myself. 

So today, I breathe in and slowly grasp the air in each moment.  I may not stop and mentally note that I am free now, but each breathe is a reminder of how truly lucky I am.
And now I must head out and help those who are not yet as fortunate as I.  Each one, teach one, we can be SURVIVORS.  

Please help them too by signing a national petition to assist victims trying to survive their own horror: Your support means the world to me. 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

My Scarlet Letter ~ Springback Delayed

Seems like it takes every ounce of energy to try the next thing, one more time, striving to reach my purpose.  I have been staggering this way and that: another layer, another round, another struggle, another desire, another time, I must overcome.  I do not want to relive the moments that scar my existence.  All I want to do is get as far away from the unimaginable as possible and never think of the crimes against me.  Not to feel those feelings ever again.  But that is the only way for me to fulfill what I believe to be my mission of life. The unbelievable events must be brought to light to awaken society and shock unbelievers into understanding what many unspoken voices from the world of incest cannot think about, much less talk about.  
This round I will conquer the cause for stalling on my journey. I must forget the comment, expression of another's belief that my task is un-daunting, as if I didn't realize this already. Of course it is.  And I must remember to thank him for the offer of networking to assist my next steps as this has opened doors.  Never a setback, always an opportunity. 

Yes, this set me back somewhat and I found myself asking the question, is this all worth it?

I am always tired because sleep does not come easy.  I stay on edge for any faith and trust I have in others is so limited.  I fail to recognize the need to take care of myself which is a habit from ancient days that I fight to rid my being of every day.  Somehow I always seem to end up at the end of my list.  I find hardship being in this place, time and again.  I muddle in my recollections and ultimately the question arises, am I worth it?  Does what I am doing matter?  

I was honored to hear +JoshSundquist deliver a most inspiring speech yesterday. After I sat and cried as I listened to his story and paralleled the questions he asked of his life to that of my own, I walked outside to get a breathe of air.  I gathered the emotions that were seeping from my body.  Breathe, again.  He said he had put two acronyms on his skis: "1MT, 1MT".
Look what brought me to this point and all the things that have been overcome to get here.  Don't step away now. Do 1 more thing, 1 more time.  That's how I got here. By doing one more thing, one more time. And that one thing could matter for one survivor. So that's what I will pick up and do again. 

Bear with me while I regain my momentum.