Thursday, April 13, 2017

My Scarlet Letter ~ Still

The cut bordering my forehead just below the hairline is an example of unawareness.  I cannot recall what happened to cause the gash. Distractions overwrite the incident with such preciseness there is no inkling of disturbance in awakened state.
The night terrors tell of different events. Startled from slumber I find myself in a fit of panic. I try to inhale to catch a breathe, but land shallow which only intensifies the anxiety. I pull myself from the haze of dreams with faint understanding the more awake I become, the less I am able to breathe. I try to relax to allow oxygen to penetrate my lungs. Still, not enough air. Still shallow. Can't get enough air and getting light headed. Geez. Still?
A recent bout with PTSD almost gets the better of me, but I did not faint. I persisted with breathing exercises that proved successful for past episodes of panic and anxiety. Inhales stretched from split seconds to 10 seconds or more. Still reaching for the depth of complete breath. Exhale slowly. Slower still.
Where is this place I am visiting in my dreams that causes such angst. The hesitation to sleep becomes stronger for want to avoid whatever is bothering me or should I say, my subconscious.
Days later: Not letting things get to me sometimes isn't as easy as it sounds. Being able to honest and truthful about the abuse is stark reality for some issues that haven't been thought about like not sleeping in a bed. Just hit me why I chose for so many years not to.